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14 December 2014 @ 12:57 am
Its taken me this long to change my journal layout. I'm so sentimental that I could not bring myself to change the layout my ex husband made for me. I have kept it all this time. I still keep the empty gift card lamby gave me in my old wallet, I even taped the envelope so the writing wouldn't fade as quick. I have poems my exs wrote me and receipts from moments I was together with people. Bus passes of yesteryear and sprinkles of the past I can still touch or smell. I know depression is a heavy dragging thing but it gets harder to keep that in mind while you are ... I dont know I feel like Im slowly just dying really. You get tired of dying slowly and wish that it could just be a painless snap moment where no one gets hurt but you could choose when it was. The lack of hope is a soul crushing weight. No energy to change things and no direction and nothing much holding you tethered. You dissect memories wondering how foolish you were. Why it is always you that simply isnt. The enormity of the feelings you have for others and the inability to express them and the .... emptiness in return in most cases. I think I stopped praying for things to be good a long time ago. I think I stopped praying things would get better, I think I dont even expect them to just be OK anymore. I started praying they were just over and then telling myself to just go to sleep and Id feel better when I woke. Im just lost.
.eletyl on December 17th, 2014 03:14 am (UTC)
Oh hun. :/ I can certainly relate to much of this (maybe more at other times in my life than at this moment). It may be tempting to glorify and/or dissect the past, because it is familiar and because it occurred at defining times in our lives. But - however cliche this sounds - the present will soon be the past, and it is important to grant the present the same kind of power. These moments can become special, as well. I hope that you still have close friends and loved ones nearby to encourage you to keep your eyes open to new experiences. I wish I knew what else to say. <3